Staying Your Side of The Net: How To Have Better Conversations Under Pressure

I recently had a coaching call with a client (and before I go any further, he is happy for me to share this). He is a new manager, leading a team of five and going through his first round of performance reviews. Something many of us will resonate with.

He said: "I know what I need to communicate, but when I'm under pressure, it comes out wrong." Whether you are leading a team, or giving or receiving feedback with a colleague, manager or friend, I think a lot of us can relate to this. I know I can!

Feedback conversations can be tricky. We carry a lot into them: emotions, assumptions and past experiences, all of which influence how we show up and how the other person responds. And, as much as I love a good framework (and love to prepare), I promise you, no script, framework or AI prompt will help more than honing a few human skills.

Here are three practices I find particularly helpful.

Check your load

Before you go into a difficult conversation, take a moment to notice what you're carrying with you. What beliefs, assumptions, judgements or emotions are you bringing into the room? What is fact, and what is fiction? What is actually helpful to bring into this conversation?

We can walk into a conversation believing we know what the other person thinks, why they have behaved a certain way, or how they're going to respond. But often, we don't.

Pausing to recognise what you are carrying, and reconnecting with your intention for the conversation, can help you show up more present and grounded.

The pause is your superpower

When emotions run high, or we get caught off guard, it's easy to slip into an automatic response. We might become defensive. We might shut down. We might get angry or try to avoid the conversation altogether.

These responses can be protective, but in a difficult conversation they can also get in the way of being present and responding skilfully. The pause creates a little bit of space between what happens and what we do next.

A few deep breaths. Counting to five in your head. Taking a sip of water.

Nothing revolutionary. But that tiny pause can give you enough space to notice what's happening and choose your response rather than simply reacting.

Stay your side of the net

This is one of my favourite ways of thinking about difficult conversations. You can be responsible for your intention, your words, your behaviour and your impact.

You cannot control how the other person feels, what they think, or how they choose to respond.

Staying your side of the net might mean:

• Using "I" statements to share your thoughts and feelings

• Owning your impact without blaming or becoming defensive

• Asking curious questions to understand their perspective

• Being clear about what you need without trying to control their response

  
  

When we start trying to manage the other person's side of the net, conversations can quickly become tangled. Why are they reacting like this? They shouldn't be upset. They clearly don't understand what I'm saying. I need them to see my point.

We move away from the conversation we are actually having and into the story we're telling ourselves about the other person. Staying your side of the net brings us back to what we can actually influence.

You don't have to be a manager to need these skills

These practices aren't just for performance reviews or difficult conversations at work.

We all have conversations where something matters to us.

With a colleague, a friend, a partner, a family member.

And the more aware we become of what we are bringing into those conversations, the more choice we have over how we show up. Because ultimately, having a difficult conversation well isn't about finding the perfect words.

It's about being able to stay present enough to choose how we want to respond.